In defense of child-free weddings and to let couples choose how they celebrate

Editor’s Note: This is part of YourTango’s Opinion section, where individual authors can provide different perspectives for broad political, social, and personal commentary on issues.

Apparently my wedding was ‘extravagant’. I got married outside on the Irish coast. I wore a plain second-hand dress, had five guests and no flowers or frills. But because no children were invited, my colleague labeled it “extravagant.”

It is not unreasonable not to include children in weddings. But it’s unreasonable to boycott childless weddings just to make a point. Of course, weddings with children can be a lot of fun. But weddings without children can also be a lot of fun. Ultimately, the guest list is up to those getting married.

The author’s image of her wedding, after they have just exchanged their wedding vows.

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Weddings were once about children, but not anymore

I’m surprised that the data from this recent YouGov survey shows a slightly higher support rate for child-free weddings than for child-inclusive weddings. But this doesn’t diminish the controversy and politics that child-free weddings bring. Discussions surrounding children and weddings have regularly flared up for almost twenty years. Today, almost half of weddings do not involve children. Child-free weddings are therefore normal. And yet opposition to it can be fierce.

We don’t have to look far for stories of family drama intertwined with child-free weddings. This plea from a bride-to-be, submitted to WeddingWire, outlines what those who opt for a child-free wedding face: from family feuds to the breakdown of friendships. The WeddingWire piece provides an all-too-common example of couples being manipulated and guilt-tripped into inviting children, with the threat that parents won’t come if their children are left out. But as one comment on the article suggests, surely a year is a sufficient amount of time to find childcare?

There have also been many cases where wedding guests have ignored the ‘adults only’ invitation and brought their children along anyway. In this Reddit post in the AITA category, the poster was voted the one who was wrong for taking her baby to a specifically child-free wedding.

“But marriage is about children” is one of the most ubiquitous comments I hear when trying to defend a couple’s right to a child-free wedding. If you believe that marriage is about children, that’s fine; that’s your position. But remember: not everyone thinks that. I believe marriage is about love. (Or convenience if you need a passport, but that’s besides the point.) Sure, it used to be that couples (heterosexual, of course) got married as the first step on the “marriage, house, kids” path. fervently rammed down our throats about how we should live.

I don’t believe people necessarily get married to have children. They got married so they could have sex, because – you know – sex before marriage is such a sin. And a lack of contraception meant that children were born, whether they liked it or not.

According to this article, seventeenth-century England saw marriage as a means of creating a “social, economic, and political unity” in which the man ruled over his wife, children, and servants. So perhaps marriage was historically synonymous with family and having children. But we live in a very different world today. And isn’t that a good thing?

Now even people who don’t plan to have children get married. Heck – same-sex couples are allowed to get married these days, gasp, just imagine that. And there are also cases when women marry themselves. Oh, how I wish people would stop imposing their definitions of marriage on others. Marriage is about what the married couple (or individual) wants it to be. I will not have children; my marriage is about love, partnership and commitment.

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There is no one way to celebrate a wedding

I have attended weddings in Australia, Canada, America, England and Scotland. I have seen vows exchanged on beaches, vineyards, hotels and marquees. At some weddings I danced uninhibitedly on tables while walking around stiffly and at others I barely dared to breathe. At some I have been at the front, giving speeches and at others I have faded into the background. I’ve helped make centerpieces for DIY weddings and stared in disbelief at the glitz and glamor of others.

I’ve held babies while parents took the opportunity to twist and turn. I’ve held toddlers in my arms and spun them around to the soundtrack of their giggling. I shared a cheeky cigarette with the rebellious young teens who hid from all the other adults.

Despite the vast differences between all the weddings I have attended over the years, there is one common thread that ties them together. The couples planned and executed their special day exactly the way they wanted. At all these weddings I showed up as a guest – the privilege of being invited to celebrate the special day – and helped celebrate how the couple wanted it.

Being a wedding guest comes with costs

The lack or cost of childcare is another common setback I hear in the resistance to childless weddings and is described in this article as a reason why some invitations are turned down. This wedding guest even expected her childcare to be paid for.

Concerns about childcare are valid, but I wonder if those who follow this line know that including children in the wedding guest count is not free. Look, I get it. Due to financial circumstances I have had to miss a number of weddings over the years. One wedding that comes to mind took place during a particularly difficult time in my life. I was skinny and didn’t have a car. Plus, I had two beautiful dogs, and there was no one to take care of them. I couldn’t afford the pile-up of transportation costs and extended travel, accommodation, a dog sitter, and the overall stress of it all – emotionally or financially. And that was my choice.

I never thought for a moment that the couple getting married would have to invite my dogs. But there is a thought: maybe we can ask to invite our dogs to weddings. I mean, why not? That would be nice. Being a wedding guest comes with costs, and they’re not just financial. As someone who has worked shifts for over a decade, I once used my annual leave allocation for the entire year to attend weddings. I think all couples should have arranged their wedding around my time off, don’t you?

So be sure to tell us that you can’t go to a wedding because of childcare. And maybe sometimes this is a real reason. But I have a sneaking suspicion that this is mostly just an excuse, launched in a fit of outrage and defiance. Because I guarantee that childcare will be found if an all-expenses-paid, luxury weekend getaway for adults is offered.

Why are children not invited?

Sometimes it is a matter of numbers that children are not invited to weddings. If I had had a big wedding and invited all my friends’ kids, the numbers would have tripled. Sometimes the couple does not want children there. And that’s okay. Remember, it’s their day. Weddings are not a right or something that applies to everyone. Although I know someone who tried to give her wedding invitation to her child as if it were a ticket to a concert.

So yes, children not attending a wedding may have to do with finances or guest numbers. It may also simply be that the couple does not want children there. This is not anti-children, nor does it mean the couple doesn’t like children. Most couples at the child-free weddings I’ve attended are now parents. Considering that almost half of all weddings are child-free and 81% of married women have children, statistics support the fact that many people who have child-free weddings also have children.

Let us also be sensitive to the childless. I know a few couples who desperately want children and are struggling with infertility. They made the difficult decision not to invite children to their wedding because they were still in the throes of grief and didn’t want their day to be full of small painful reminders of what they felt they had missed. Ultimately, child-free weddings have pros and cons.

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Boycotting child-free weddings is your business

My colleague, who labeled my simplistic wedding “extravagant” because of the lack of children, has adult children of her own. So child-free weddings don’t cause her any immediate discomfort, but she still told me in no uncertain terms that if she were invited to a wedding without children, she wouldn’t go. And she’s not the only one. Several comments on this piece on Mumsnet say they don’t ‘do’ child-free weddings.

Wow. Of all the things we should be intolerant about, people choose to begrudge and judge the way others celebrate their weddings. I can’t help but feel like they’re making other people’s day about themselves. And that by boycotting a wedding they think they’re making a point and standing up for… checks… er…

This isn’t even about children; it’s simply about showing up for the couple getting married in a way that respects and honors them. If I were to boycott weddings, I would have a negative opinion about it; I would have missed several, including the one where I wore a poopy brown bridesmaid dress. But I’m not an idiot. So I wore that jobby dress (Scottish slang for poop) and danced like a rock star, adding energy and vibrancy to my friend’s big day. I can’t even remember if the kids were there or not.

In case you missed my point, I’m not saying that weddings should all be child-free, nor do I think children should always be invited. I just dare to suggest that weddings can be wonderful, both with and without children. So to all those worried about child-free weddings – suck it up, buttercup – it’s not about you. Of course, put down your gauntlet, be in armor and boycott that wedding: Grrr, you ferocious beast, you. But ask yourself what you will achieve if you are dogmatic in your thoughts and rigid in your actions.

Even if children are not invited, would it be so difficult to make an effort to celebrate the wedding of friends and loved ones in harmony with their wishes? You never know; you might even have fun.

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Ali Hall is a writer, reader, runner, thinker and conversation starter. She is a former police detective with a degree in psychology and sports science and an advocate for destigmatizing childfree choice.