An “update” takes up the advice

Dear readers: From time to time I publish ‘updates’ to previous questions and answers published in this space. The following was published in 2018. The update follows the original Q&A.

Dear Amy: I grew up with two siblings: a brother and a sister. My brother, his wife and three children lived near our parents. My family and I (wife, two children) lived some distance away. We maintained contact through holiday cards and visits. Everything was cordial, if not particularly close. In retrospect, all direct interaction with my parents always took place at our initiation.

Unfortunately, my brother passed away quite suddenly a few years ago. He was still a relatively young man. My SIL still maintained irregular, cordial contact around big events (the kids’ graduation, my father’s death), but that’s about it.

About a year ago, my SIL married an old flame from college. She moved to his town, just down the road. We’ve lost all contact. It wasn’t just us; she and her children essentially “ghosted” their paternal grandparents, which was a source of great pain for my late father.

Strangely enough, last week I learned that my SIL and her daughter (the same age as one of my children) had moved again six months ago. They now live less than a 10-minute drive from my house. I think the previous move and marriage didn’t work out.

I try very hard to sympathize with her: perhaps they have just experienced someone else in a series of terrible situations. But why pretend that my family and I don’t exist? Why not make an effort?

My wife is furious and is considering no longer giving graduation/wedding gifts to the nieces/nephews from this part of the ‘family’.

Your advice?

– Ghosted uncle

Dear Uncle: I’m wondering why you’re ghosting your niece/nephew. Their father died suddenly. They were moved to a distant city for a wedding that turned out to be very short-lived. Then they moved again.

Have you ever been a teenager? (I’m guessing at the ages of these children.) Would you have contacted your aunt and uncle if there had been sporadic contact in the years following the death of a parent—and then no contact for at least a year?