Facing family tensions at a wedding and dealing with holiday expectations

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Dear Amy:

My brother is getting married next year and although I am very happy for him, I dread the idea of ​​having to see my mother again.

Our mother meets all the criteria for malignant narcissistic personality disorder: emotionally immature and dysregulated, lacking empathy, disrespectful of boundaries, etc.

I suffered terribly growing up, but at age 30 I was able to escape by leaving the country.

My siblings also suffered in different ways. Our experiences growing up have kept us from being close to each other. This is partly because our mother has spoken badly to each other over the decades.

I started healing by going to therapy and researching the condition.

I’m so tempted to just not go to my brother’s wedding, but I also feel like this isn’t right either.

My siblings and I never talked about this. I don’t think they know she’s mentally ill.

I’m afraid my mother will create drama and blame me while victimizing herself. That’s what she’s always done.

I’m not losing sleep over it and the wedding invitations haven’t even been sent out yet.

What should I do?

– Being sick of it

Dear Fed Up:

You should assess your own risk with your therapist if you attend this wedding. Children raised by borderline parents or children with NPD are always on high alert. The extreme instability and truly frightening experiences of childhood can affect all your other relationships.

My own advice is to work on your own boundaries and – most importantly – build an ‘escape hatch’ for every encounter with your mother.

This wedding is not the place to inform your siblings about your mother’s suspected disorder.

Dear Amy:

We recently celebrated Easter with our families.

My husband and I have a precocious seven-year-old daughter who we enjoy very much. But any holiday or occasion that involves treats or gifts seems to bring out the worst in her.

She tears through her gifts or treats and immediately starts complaining that there isn’t more.

I’m really sick of this. I’m thinking of putting a stop to the glut by essentially not participating at all in “intermediate” occasions like Valentine’s Day and Easter, and really cutting back at Christmas, but I’m not sure if that’s the right response .

My husband and I have agreed to have you weighed.

– Give mother

Dearest mother:

First of all, for many people around the world, Easter is not an in-between moment, but an important religious holiday. interesting for your daughter.

Canceling a gift vacation several months in advance won’t mean much to a child your daughter’s age; it is best to respond at the moment to behavior that you do not like.

For example, if you presented an Easter basket full of goodies and your daughter tore through it (normal behavior for a child her age) and immediately started complaining that there weren’t more, you and your husband should express your own disappointment in a calm manner . and decisive.

“Wow, you seem very unhappy. You’ve got a lot of goodies there, and if you don’t enjoy them, we’ll take them away until you can figure out how to enjoy the things right in front of you.

Seven-year-olds are impulsive; that is a characteristic that makes children of this age a lot of fun to be around. The downside to this is that they are still learning how to modulate their behavior.

Immediately after disciplining your daughter, once she has calmed down, ask her if she understands how her behavior led to the consequence.

At Easter you can also move from giving a basket full of sweets, treats and trinkets to coloring and hunting for eggs and jellybeans, and giving flower seeds, small pots and soil to create a window garden.

I agree to make significant cuts.

Before each holiday, read the associated stories, work on a craft project related to it, and review the guidelines for receiving gifts or treats, enjoying what you receive, and expressing joy and gratitude.